This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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