My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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