How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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