She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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