Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
