Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Apparently you make a good broom.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
