All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
