so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
