I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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