someone threw a dead crab at me
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Shitshow foam night was such a success
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
