You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
