I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
