I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
you never un-have a 4some
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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