Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
