when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
