i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You ate ashes out of my bong
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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