He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
