Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
