Just fell off a train. Bad.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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