White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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