I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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