don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
