Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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