The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
