I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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