whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
