i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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