Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
