hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize