I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
my liver is dry heaving
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
