My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
