I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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