4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I smell stomach acid.
love makes seman taste better
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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