I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
