My sheets look like a crime scene.
You smell like stripper and shame
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
