god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
