Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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