So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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