dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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