who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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