Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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