dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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