I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
