Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
