I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
