Redeem this text for a blowjob
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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