I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
