Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
