The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
