Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
