My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The best revenge is premature balding
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize