The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
