haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
