I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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