Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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