I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
