Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
