Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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