I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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