even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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