Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
