Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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